Modern Womanhood and My Moment in It
"Thirty, flirty, and thriving..." The wish that Jenna uttered on her "disastrous" 13th birthday in 13 Going on 30 ...and the wish that came true when some magic dust flutters onto her head... (Shout out to my OLHC girls who watched that movie a million times with me).
There was something magical (even without the magic dust) about the idea of being 30 when I was younger. It was the age when I was supposed to have life figured out - an illustrious career, a man I love, friends who have been with me on the journey for years. But now, as I am only a few short months away from my 30th birthday, I feel like all of my original hopes and dreams are no where close to being realized, and I am left wondering, "Where's my fairy tale ending?"
While in the eyes of the world, I may have achieved success - I am after all a Senior Project Manager/Producer for a Video Marketing Agency at the age of 29, after quickly climbing the ladder in 3 short years. Yet, while I have achieved this worldly success, I have seen many of my friends get married and start their families...and that leaves a certain sadness in me. I am 100% thrilled for them and love their kids as if they were my own, and my heart melts every time anyone of them calls me Auntie Ann or Miss Ann. But, I think it's in that heart melting, my heart aches the most.
Now this post is not about "woe is me; I'm single!" nor is it about "yes, there's so much more I can do a single woman!" Rather, it's simply an exploration of the questions I think many women wonder at some point in their lives, it's about that struggle many of us experience - the tension between career and a desire of Vocation. The struggle of modern womanhood and my moment in it.
I know there have been tomes written about the topic, and many of these writings are ones that I treasure. (Just take a look at my book shelves). But even with the changes of womanhood being explored so thoroughly, I feel like we are missing something...some heart of the struggle, a core piece of the puzzle.
I have been trying to place my finger on this; and I think part of the puzzle for me is the lack of recognition of the good of feminism. I completely agree with the Church's stance on abortion, contraception, cohabitation, and pre-marital sex, and in that way I am in opposition to modern day feminism. But I fully embrace the battle for equal pay, the inclusion of women in board rooms and C suites, and the MeToo movement, and I salute many of the strides feminists have made (the right to vote, equal college sports funding, rights in the workplace). I think it is important to have women in the political sphere and public square particularly because of her feminine genius. I cheered at the kick a** "girl power" moment in Avengers: End Game. I love Veronica Mars' quick witted-ness. But at the same time, I don't want to be treated like a man in the workplace. I want to be treated as a woman. I don't want to be okay with vulgarity in the workplace, but I want to elevate in accordance with dignity. I want to be a strong woman, and I don't want men to be afraid of that. I want them to rise up and meet me.
I think there is this tension within me - this collision of the feminism I grew up on and the "new feminism" the Catholic Church presents. At times they are at odds, and at other times they are in agreement. Yet, when we acknowledge them, we see them as two distinct movements unable to ever overlap, unable to ever find common ground. But there is overlap - right here in my heart and in my life. And because of that, I sometimes find it hard to understand my place in the Church and the world. In an increasingly polarized world where you always need to pick sides (Republican vs. Democrat; conservative vs. liberal; traditional Catholic vs. progressive Catholic; Trump vs. anything but Trump) I don't have a side and I don't want a side. Maybe it's kind of like the "medium place" in The Good Place. Oh, don't take that in a heretical way. I only mean that in the sense that it is very rare that any person is completely evil or completely good. Most of us are a mix of good and bad. We choose good one moment; and the next we sin. It's the thing that permits us to received God's mercy, because we need it. He smiles down on us when we make huge strides, when we grow in virtue, but He also loves being able to give us His mercy. He didn't withhold His Son from us, but rather put Him on a cross in the greatest act of love this world could ever know. His arms open, ready to embrace us, ready to embrace me.
His mercy and love is so individualized. He loves each of us with that exclusive love we so want and desire. And it is here that I think I find the missing piece of the puzzle, the key to my frustrations - the individual. The Catholic Church has from its inception emphasized the importance of the individual, the individuality of human dignity. Jesus stopped and cured specific people while he journeyed through Israel. Peter cured individuals in Jesus' name in the Acts of the Apostles. Catholic Social Teaching is founded on the principle of the Life and Dignity of the Human Person. And, yet, when we speak of womanhood, of femininity, we always seem to be speaking in an aggregate. There are sweeping statements about the feminine heart. While many of these claims are true and do speak to the truth of who woman is, sometimes they prevent us from seeing individuals.
I am a woman. I am a Catholic. I am a producer. I am a daughter of God. I am a runner. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend. I am a writer. I am sometimes goofy, sometimes overly serious. I am a perfectionist. I am a sinner. I am on my journey to sainthood. I am a unique individual, formed in my mother's womb, given a distinct soul, a soul that no one else has. I desire marriage and a family, but I also desire meaningful work that contributes to society. I want to be strong and share my thoughts, but I also want to rest and trust in the strength of another. I am quite possibly a walking contradiction, but at the core of it all... I am Ann. An individual.
When the hemorrhaging woman reached out and touched Jesus's cloak and was healed, she shrunk back into the crowd, obscured by the masses of people. But Jesus doesn't let her remain one of the crowd; He calls her forth, He calls her Daughter. The Lord sees each of us as individual women. The ones already in their Vocation, the ones waiting for their Vocation, the ones who pursue careers, the ones who are at home with their children, the ones taking care of their elderly parents, the ones who are in the public sphere. He sees each and every single one of us. He calls us forth, because the world needs our individual gifts. It needs your gifts. It needs my gifts.
It is in my God-given individuality that I find peace. My Lord and My God created me as I am, placed me in specific circumstances so I could be molded to the woman I am today. He has permitted this tension within my heart, battling between Vocation and career. It is here, and now, in the midst of this that He calls me forth as me to serve where I am, as I currently am. And, I pray and I hope that like our Mother Mary, I am able to give my yes in every moment of every day, in my Vocation or not. In my career or not. Fiat.
There was something magical (even without the magic dust) about the idea of being 30 when I was younger. It was the age when I was supposed to have life figured out - an illustrious career, a man I love, friends who have been with me on the journey for years. But now, as I am only a few short months away from my 30th birthday, I feel like all of my original hopes and dreams are no where close to being realized, and I am left wondering, "Where's my fairy tale ending?"
While in the eyes of the world, I may have achieved success - I am after all a Senior Project Manager/Producer for a Video Marketing Agency at the age of 29, after quickly climbing the ladder in 3 short years. Yet, while I have achieved this worldly success, I have seen many of my friends get married and start their families...and that leaves a certain sadness in me. I am 100% thrilled for them and love their kids as if they were my own, and my heart melts every time anyone of them calls me Auntie Ann or Miss Ann. But, I think it's in that heart melting, my heart aches the most.
Now this post is not about "woe is me; I'm single!" nor is it about "yes, there's so much more I can do a single woman!" Rather, it's simply an exploration of the questions I think many women wonder at some point in their lives, it's about that struggle many of us experience - the tension between career and a desire of Vocation. The struggle of modern womanhood and my moment in it.
I know there have been tomes written about the topic, and many of these writings are ones that I treasure. (Just take a look at my book shelves). But even with the changes of womanhood being explored so thoroughly, I feel like we are missing something...some heart of the struggle, a core piece of the puzzle.
I have been trying to place my finger on this; and I think part of the puzzle for me is the lack of recognition of the good of feminism. I completely agree with the Church's stance on abortion, contraception, cohabitation, and pre-marital sex, and in that way I am in opposition to modern day feminism. But I fully embrace the battle for equal pay, the inclusion of women in board rooms and C suites, and the MeToo movement, and I salute many of the strides feminists have made (the right to vote, equal college sports funding, rights in the workplace). I think it is important to have women in the political sphere and public square particularly because of her feminine genius. I cheered at the kick a** "girl power" moment in Avengers: End Game. I love Veronica Mars' quick witted-ness. But at the same time, I don't want to be treated like a man in the workplace. I want to be treated as a woman. I don't want to be okay with vulgarity in the workplace, but I want to elevate in accordance with dignity. I want to be a strong woman, and I don't want men to be afraid of that. I want them to rise up and meet me.
I think there is this tension within me - this collision of the feminism I grew up on and the "new feminism" the Catholic Church presents. At times they are at odds, and at other times they are in agreement. Yet, when we acknowledge them, we see them as two distinct movements unable to ever overlap, unable to ever find common ground. But there is overlap - right here in my heart and in my life. And because of that, I sometimes find it hard to understand my place in the Church and the world. In an increasingly polarized world where you always need to pick sides (Republican vs. Democrat; conservative vs. liberal; traditional Catholic vs. progressive Catholic; Trump vs. anything but Trump) I don't have a side and I don't want a side. Maybe it's kind of like the "medium place" in The Good Place. Oh, don't take that in a heretical way. I only mean that in the sense that it is very rare that any person is completely evil or completely good. Most of us are a mix of good and bad. We choose good one moment; and the next we sin. It's the thing that permits us to received God's mercy, because we need it. He smiles down on us when we make huge strides, when we grow in virtue, but He also loves being able to give us His mercy. He didn't withhold His Son from us, but rather put Him on a cross in the greatest act of love this world could ever know. His arms open, ready to embrace us, ready to embrace me.
His mercy and love is so individualized. He loves each of us with that exclusive love we so want and desire. And it is here that I think I find the missing piece of the puzzle, the key to my frustrations - the individual. The Catholic Church has from its inception emphasized the importance of the individual, the individuality of human dignity. Jesus stopped and cured specific people while he journeyed through Israel. Peter cured individuals in Jesus' name in the Acts of the Apostles. Catholic Social Teaching is founded on the principle of the Life and Dignity of the Human Person. And, yet, when we speak of womanhood, of femininity, we always seem to be speaking in an aggregate. There are sweeping statements about the feminine heart. While many of these claims are true and do speak to the truth of who woman is, sometimes they prevent us from seeing individuals.
I am a woman. I am a Catholic. I am a producer. I am a daughter of God. I am a runner. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend. I am a writer. I am sometimes goofy, sometimes overly serious. I am a perfectionist. I am a sinner. I am on my journey to sainthood. I am a unique individual, formed in my mother's womb, given a distinct soul, a soul that no one else has. I desire marriage and a family, but I also desire meaningful work that contributes to society. I want to be strong and share my thoughts, but I also want to rest and trust in the strength of another. I am quite possibly a walking contradiction, but at the core of it all... I am Ann. An individual.
When the hemorrhaging woman reached out and touched Jesus's cloak and was healed, she shrunk back into the crowd, obscured by the masses of people. But Jesus doesn't let her remain one of the crowd; He calls her forth, He calls her Daughter. The Lord sees each of us as individual women. The ones already in their Vocation, the ones waiting for their Vocation, the ones who pursue careers, the ones who are at home with their children, the ones taking care of their elderly parents, the ones who are in the public sphere. He sees each and every single one of us. He calls us forth, because the world needs our individual gifts. It needs your gifts. It needs my gifts.
It is in my God-given individuality that I find peace. My Lord and My God created me as I am, placed me in specific circumstances so I could be molded to the woman I am today. He has permitted this tension within my heart, battling between Vocation and career. It is here, and now, in the midst of this that He calls me forth as me to serve where I am, as I currently am. And, I pray and I hope that like our Mother Mary, I am able to give my yes in every moment of every day, in my Vocation or not. In my career or not. Fiat.
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